From My Righteousness to His: When Legalism Becomes a Nervous System Loop

For so long, I lived life from my righteousness. I wouldn’t have said it like that at the time, but deep down, that’s what was driving me. A life of checkboxes. Doing the “right” things. Avoiding the wrong ones. Constantly self-monitoring. Measuring. Watching. Remembering. Making sure nothing slipped.

It wasn’t just about being good, it was about surviving.

Recently, I had a night that brought it all into sharp focus. A sleepless night of anxiety. Fear surged through my body like a storm, accompanied by obsessive thoughts. I found myself worrying that my forgetfulness might be the early signs of the disease that took my mother. That something was wrong with me. My brain spiraled, looping, compulsive, urgent. I was no longer in the driver’s seat.

But after that episode passed, I did what I’ve learned to do: I sat with it. As a practitioner, I turned inward with curiosity and compassion.

What was underneath this fear? What was the root driver?

The answer was as surprising as it was simple: I was still living from my righteousness.

Misused Scripture & Misapplied Culture

Growing up, I was raised in a deeply legalistic environment where verses were often taken out of context. Scriptures that were meant to bring freedom were weaponized to reinforce control. Cultural customs from ancient times were lifted out of their historical and geographical context and laid heavy on modern life. We were told that what you wore, how long your hair was, how long your dress was, whether you wore jewelry or makeup, these were not personal choices, but spiritual indicators.

And so began my early training: If I wanted to be righteous, I had to look the part.

No makeup. No jewelry. Modest clothing. No questions asked.

And certainly no space for creativity, expression, or individuality.

“You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.”Matthew 23:24

When I left that environment physically, I tried to escape spiritually and emotionally too, but my attempts were all on the outside. I cut my hair pixie short. I layered jewelry. I pierced my ears. I became expressive and creative with my wardrobe and makeup, as if declaring to the world: I’m free now. I can do what I want. I’m not under that rule anymore!

But inside, I wasn’t free.

Inside, I was still captive to the belief that my value depended on how “right” I could be.

The shame and the pressure were still alive in my subconscious, still driving the fear, still activating my nervous system.

No amount of outward expression could undo the inner oppression I still carried.

“The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

The Root of the Loop

My nervous system had become hardwired for religious performance. Not out of rebellion, but out of desperation. If I could just be good enough, holy enough, right enough, then I’d be loved. Then I’d be safe. Then I’d be acceptable.

Even after I physically left the church that taught me those things, those beliefs didn’t leave me. The belief system echoed inside me, silent but screaming. It was coded into my body, into my habits, into my thought loops.

“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7

My nervous system wasn’t malfunctioning.

It was responding, perfectly to deeply rooted spiritual confusion.

The Shift: A Song, A Whisper

And then, after that sleepless, anxious night, a simple song played on the radio. I don’t even remember the full lyrics. But in the melody, I heard a whisper in my heart:

“It’s not your righteousness. It’s Mine.”

That whisper cracked something open in me.

“This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.” Romans 3:22

It wasn’t the first time I had heard this. I’ve studied it. Taught it. Believed it with my mind. But this time it bypassed my intellect and dropped straight into my nervous system. I felt the truth.

It was never my righteousness. It never had to be.

Subconscious Echoes & the Gentle Unlearning

I know now that the brain prioritizes what we assign emotional importance to. And I had made righteousness my survival strategy, because that’s what I was taught it had to be.

So even when I thought I was free, my subconscious clung to those beliefs.

Even as I decorated my body with color and beauty, my soul still feared it was dangerous to be too seen, too expressive, too much.

“For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes.” Romans 10:4

Now, I’m learning to truly submit, not just my choices, but my nervous system to the righteousness of Christ. To let grace reach the parts of me that law once ruled.

“If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

Rest at Last

I can now sit with any discomforts without spiraling. I can welcome mystery without needing all the answers. I can observe my mind’s compulsive loops with kindness, and gently interrupt them with truth.

Not because I’m strong. But because He is.

“The Lord is our righteousness.” Jeremiah 33:16

This is nervous system healing.

This is spiritual trauma recovery.

This is reintroducing my mind, body, and soul to the real Gospel.

One that says:

You don’t have to prove anything anymore.

You don’t have to earn love you already have.

You’re free, not just externally, but internally.

I’m not living from my righteousness anymore.

I’m finally safe in His, and those parts of me that are afraid? Those parts Jesus embraces and dances with, tenderly filling with peace and safety.